The Hilarious World of Non-Parent Naivety: Things We Hear That Make Us Laugh (or Cry)

Jul 26, 2024

3 min read

Being a parent is a wild ride filled with moments of joy, chaos, and the occasional existential crisis. It's a journey that only fellow parents can truly understand. Yet, our child-free friends, bless their hearts, often try to relate or offer advice. And while we love them dearly, sometimes their comments are so naive, they’re downright hilarious. Here are some gems that we parents hear from non-parents that leave us shaking our heads (or bursting into laughter).

"Do you need to babysit your child?"

Oh, sweet summer child, it’s not babysitting if they share your DNA. It's called parenting. There's no clocking out, no hourly wage, and no sneaking snacks from the pantry while the parents are out. It's a full-time, 24/7 commitment where you're the boss, the janitor, the chef, and the therapist all rolled into one.

"I don't get why you're so tired. I stayed up until 2 AM last night."

Oh, you stayed up late watching Netflix? How quaint. We stayed up because little Timmy decided 2 AM was the perfect time for a screaming match with his stuffed animals. Our concept of "tired" includes sleep deprivation that could rival interrogation techniques. Talk to us after you've been woken up six times in one night to search for an imaginary monster under the bed.

"Why don't you just tell them to stop?"

As if we hadn’t thought of that brilliant strategy! We do tell them to stop. We tell them a million times a day. We tell them in different languages, using charades, and with interpretive dance. But children have a magical ability to completely ignore every single word that comes out of our mouths. It’s like living with tiny, adorable anarchists.

"Your house is messy. Don't you clean?"

Yes, our houses are messy. They are battlegrounds of toys, laundry, and crumbs. We clean up one mess just as another one is being created. Cleaning a house with kids is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. The laws of physics simply do not apply here.

"You should just have a routine."

If only it were that simple. Kids laugh in the face of routines. You can try to have a schedule, but more often than not, it's a guideline rather than a rule. The moment you think you’ve got a routine, someone will have a growth spurt, a teething episode, or decide that sleeping is for the weak.

"Just bring them with you!"

This is a favorite. Sure, we'll bring the kids to the fancy restaurant or the serene yoga class. Nothing says "relaxation" like a toddler throwing pasta or performing an impromptu rendition of "Let It Go" during your downward dog. Taking kids anywhere is an adventure in itself, requiring the planning and precision of a military operation.

"I wouldn't let my kids do that."

Oh, really? Wait until you have kids. The "I would never" list becomes a "Oh God, I've become that parent" list very quickly. Your high-minded principles are no match for the reality of a screaming toddler in a crowded supermarket. Sometimes, you let things slide to preserve your sanity.

"Why are you so emotional about them starting school?"

Because it’s a big deal! It’s the end of an era. We’re happy, sad, proud, and terrified all at once. Our babies are growing up, and it feels like our hearts are being simultaneously squeezed and expanded. But don’t worry, we’ll get it together by the time we’re crying in the car outside the school.

"You should sleep when the baby sleeps."

And when exactly should we do the laundry, dishes, shopping, cooking, and maybe take a moment to breathe? Sure, the baby sleeps, but that’s the time we use to catch up on the rest of life. It’s not a vacation, it’s a nap-fueled sprint to keep the household running.

"Just give them an iPad."

Technology can be a lifesaver, but it's not a substitute for parenting. Handing over an iPad isn't a cure-all. We’re trying to raise humans, not robots. We want them to have real-world experiences, even if it means more work for us. Plus, too much screen time means dealing with the post-iPad meltdown, and no one wants that.

So, to our non-parent friends, we love you and appreciate your enthusiasm. Your comments give us something to laugh about during the long, sleepless nights and the never-ending days. And someday, if you join the parenting club, we’ll be here to welcome you with open arms, a cup of coffee, and a knowing smile.